Winning disguised as losing disguised as winning.

Charlie Sheen. Hot topic in the news right now... hot enough to get autotuned by the same youtuber who brought you the now-classic line, "hide yo' kids, hide yo' wife." With any luck, "I'm not Bi-polar... I'm bi-winning!" will achieve the same cult status.

After being fired from the CBS show "Two and a Half Men," the actor has taken actions for a nationwide comedy tour, on which he will supposedly sit in a chair and talk for the duration of the show. Cool, right? Well, sort of.

Charlie Sheen seems to be able to get away with anything he wants right now. His behavior is so erratic, and so ridiculous, that anything he says is instantly funny, as evidenced by his Funny or Die! video. The man's goal to appear on every major network could happen, if he keeps this up.

The reason Sheen's comedy works so well is in part because the internet's not tired of him yet. It's fresh, creative. He has a series of key phrases, like "winning," "tiger's blood," and "warlock," but throws in random images through lines like "I only have one gear... go" and "I'm on a drug called Charlie Sheen." The audience never knows what's going to come out of his mouth, and with the addition of his "goddesses" at his side, he can keep the attention of viewers more interested in the bawdier side of his humor.

However, his "winning" attitude can only take him so far, because he's limited himself through heavy use of drugs and alcohol. We may laugh at his line, "I was doin' seven gram rocks..." and referencing an armless Mick Jagger (another heavy drug user), but in the end, unless the man seeks professional help, he will never be able to gain the respect of the American public. Don't get me wrong, he's gotten so much publicity in the past few weeks that he's going to make enough money to support himself for a while. However, his public relations are what's going to get him in trouble. PR covers both good and bad, and the details surrounding his being let go by Warner Brothers involve cocaine, alcohol, and a lot of property damage - not how anyone should want to be remembered.


Without the internet, Sheen wouldn't be recognized or celebrated for this sort of anti-humor made popular by sites like anti-joke.com and theonion.com. Even the phrase "win" and "epic win" stem from online games and offshoot sites like failblog.org. This entire episode in his life was made possible by, you guessed it, the internet.

Whether Sheen takes this new popularity in a positive or negative direction, he's got his 15 minutes of fame - and then some.

Born this way, or twisted out of shape?

If you haven’t seen Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way” video, you’re missing out. I’m not saying this is the best music video of the year so far, it sure beats out the worst… (Rebecca Black’s Friday, anyone?) If you’ve ever listened to a Gaga album or seen one of her more controversial videos, you’ll recognize a few key elements as you watch - reference to religion, comfort with explicit homosexuality, and the nearly-nude leather-clad body of “The Gaga” herself.

However, this track is more about the fans and their place in society than the music. Nick Knight, director of the video and famous fashion photographer, provides a fresh (albeit sometimes revolting) take on Gaga’s public image (“mother monster”) through the use of birth scenes and idealistic population as metaphor for her ever-growing fan base. Something of a stretch... but come, on, it's Gaga. She treats her fans like family, calling them 'little monsters.' Unlike Rihanna’s S&M Video, which ignores her fan base but instead directly references multiple scenes shot by Avant Garde photographer David LaChapelle, Gaga hires an artiste director and creates an original work of art. whereas Gaga’s entire style is influenced by Madonna and the feminists of the 80s, rather than directly derivative in one instance (though internet critics like myself have found a similarity to Madge’s Express Yourself.)

The lyrics and the images don’t quite match up in this video.

The first, most pressing discontinuity between word and image is between Gaga’s message and her perfectly toned, flab-less body. “‘There’s nothing wrong with loving who you are,’ she said, ‘cause He made you perfect babe.’” Of course the artist is physically perfect, and conveniently fits into the body shape deemed “acceptable” by today’s sex-crazed society. While another chorus leads us to understand the main theme to be tolerance and acceptance of sexual and racial differences, she’s sure as hell not saying it’s okay to be fat or ugly. She missed the mark on that one.

Another disjunction of image and meaning is in the juxtaposition of the Mother Monster character and her awkwardly-worded narration, and the meaning of the song itself. “...But the birth was as the wombs numbered and the mitosis of the future began, it was perceived that this infamous moment in life is not temporal, it is eternal, and thus began the beginning of a new race within the race of humans.” Yeah… okay, Gaga. I believe you. A new race… in space… and we’re supposed to be able to put ourselves in your position and feel like us viewers, too, can be without prejudice? Are you the mother referenced in the first lines of the song? Or are you playing God to up your fame? Either way, I feel belittled (or be-fattened, as it may be.)

Gaga is working constantly to help people feel better about themselves, through her constant work for the formation and support of LGBT groups, as well as less fortunate people like those in Japan’s recent earthquake disaster. However, her video, while presented in a fresh manner, leaves her ultimate message falling flat because of her overly conceptual mixed signals in word and image.

Hi, I'm a Mac. and I'm a PC.

Words you've heard before, I assume. These mac ads are, well, funny! However, they use a biting form of humour that isn't always the nicest to those engineers who have worked tirelessly since the mid-80s and before to create a near-perfect machine that can perform laborious tasks in much less time than it would take by hand. The attitudes taken by each reflect the attitudes of users of each operating system.

I've been using mac products since I was 2 years old. You might say there was no way I even comprehended what a computer was at that age, but hell, if you can read, you can use a computer (and damn straight I was reading at that age!) My mother ran a business in the spare bedroom and I'd imitate her on the second computer, putting my feet up on the desk and leaning back in the executive office chair... Oh, the days.

Since then, I've developed from a kid obsessed with flash internet games and fun filters in photoshop to one who likes to edit, build up, and organize my music and photo libraries with ease. But couldn't I do all that on a PC, too? Most my friends have PCs, and of course the various brands within the realm of PC have distinct traits, but what makes me different from them?

My question is, then, what makes a Mac person? A PC person?

A Mac person is, well, like me. No time to muss or fuss, no planning out of fancy frilly projects ahead of time. Let me jump in and enjoy life when I want to!

A PC person is much more calculating, likes math, and likes to know (and be able to change) every little detail about a project. Much more inclined to mathy things. And sports.

The website hunch.com, which analyzes users' tastes based on a series of simple yet specific questions, ran a study to determine the differences between Mac and PC people. A few conclusions:

• Mac people are more likely to see the existing world in a light of "sameness" and thus express a desire to be perceived as different and unique. This is consistently reflected in their aesthetic choices such as bold colors, "retro" designs, one-of-a-kind clothing, and highly stylized art.
• PC people are more likely to see the world as "different enough already" and appreciate "being in tune with those around them." This is reflected in their more subtle, "mainstream modern" (neither retro nor extremely contemporary) design choices and their practical choices in clothing, footwear, and cars that favor getting the job done rather than making an overt design statement.
• Media choices and preferences vary greatly between the two groups, with Mac people trending toward more independent films, specialized comedians and design-centric magazines, and PC people trending toward more mainstream alternatives as well as sports.
• From a personality perspective, Mac people are more likely to describe themselves as "verbal," "conceptual," and "risk takers," with PC people countering that they are "numbers oriented," "factual," and "steady, hard workers."

Sounds like there's a serious divide here. In fact, I merely mention the mac vs. PC debate on facebook, and within five minutes, my oldest friend responds: "One of those groups consists primarily of drones who don't think for themselves. The other group prefers to buy PCs."

He would say that. He's a PC person!

I hate to say it, but this is a gap which cannot be easily closed. I will fight him on the topic of mac vs. PC until we die, or until he converts to mac. It could just be that we have completely opposite personality types... but I prefer to think of him as a nerd who likes math instead.

By no means am I saying that Mac and PC people can't be friends. It's probably best that there's variety in the world. Who's going to get into a war for Mac supremacy? Okay, I considered the thought for an instant, but I'd rather get into a fiery debate than a war.

When it comes down to it, Mac people and PC people are just that: people. We're all in the same boat, and at the end of the day, the computer will always outsmart the user. Unless the user is Stephen Hawking.... but that's another blog post in itself.

hipsters... (insert expletive.)

So if you haven't heard, there's this new cultural phenomenon: the hipster. Usually identified by thick black plastic glasses and a can of PBR ora pack of American Spirits in their shirt or hoodie pocket, the hipster is no longer a rare breed.


The hipster virus is spreading quickly. Just a few years ago, a hipster was still the typical beat poet with a black turtleneck, a beret to match, a glass of wine (or a cup of "java") and, to top it all off, a bongo. Nowadays those guys are known as... well, old. Or simply as poets. After Threadless released the "Shakespeare hates your emo poems" shirt, though, poetry took a hit on the cool scale. Smoking also went out of style for a while... then the economy took a hit.

I believe all this hipster shit is due to the economy. Check out this article and you may understand why PBR is so popular (other than its spot in David Lynch's Blue Velvet.) Thanks to the inflated prices of such hip clothes from stores like American Apparel and Urban Outfitters, nobody can afford expensive beer AND cool new clothes anymore. The hipster stays away from the cheapest beers meant only for alcoholics, like Natural Light, as well as the typical "bro" beers, like Bud Light.


Maybe I'm just of the right age to be so interested in this stupid trend. Maybe you're only reading this because you found the excessive amount of links fascinating. Maybe these stupid hipsters should go educate themselves about their culture so when someone asks, they can answer why they ride a fixed gear bike, wear a keffiyeh, and drink shitty beer. Oh, and they love cats, too. And apple computers. Especially when the two combine to make the glorious app that is CATPAINT.


Some links for furthering your hipster education:
Stuff Hipsters Hate
Look at this Fucking Hipster
FREEwilliamsburg
I can has Cheezburger?

planning to win is planning to fail?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in want of a car will see that exact car everywhere he goes. As such, when you get to thinking seriously about something you'd never given thought to before, the thought pervades your mind, accompanying you everywhere from your job to the bathroom to your bed when you go to sleep.

Why does this phenomenon occur? to be honest, i couldn't tell you. Maybe it's a vestigial hunting technique. Imagine a cheesily dumb caveman chasing after some game with a spear... "Urg hungry, want rabbit... Urg see rabbit, must hunt now!" It would be handy in those types of situations, where the object of desire could be had directly, or at least presently after the initial realization of want, but in this generation the "skill" is more of an annoyance than anything. All those smarties over in the Communication department have figured out what makes the average bear tick, and have applied these tricky tactics to advertising techniques since the commercial revolution of the 1920s. And how they work! These rhetorical strategies are all Greek to me, but thanks to extensive research, someone somewhere has decoded them and started using them effectively.

I first heard the theory proposed at the beginning in a checkout-rag book titled "How to find your Soul Mate." Ridiculous, I know, but it's what has been on my mind since last week, at the bar. (College kid, remember?!?) STORY TIME. So my buddy is in a fraternity, right, and we're going through facebook together checking out the new pledges. I find a pretty one, call dibs (somewhat jokingly.) Granted, I'd never seen the kid before, but I made it my secret mission to make him my next boyfriend. The next day, in the cafeteria, who do I see but pretty boy? (Even prettier in person.) Saturday, at the bar, I find him on the dance floor! Hallelujah! Dance we do... but the song ends and I'm on my own again. No big, I tell myself. There will be more weekends, more nights at the bar (or the fraternity house.) No big! ...Until I see that he's gone home with my housemate, and watch him kiss her goodnight as she walked him out.

Given that I didn't even know the guy existed last Tuesday, it really is no big deal. What is legitimately upsetting, however, is the awful series of happenings like this that just seem to happen all the time after I've resolved that the exact opposite should go down. This 'seek and destroy' instinct, for lack of a better term, while incredibly useful for survival in more primitive situations, leads to nothing but disappointment in our sophisticated Modern society.

Dressing for Class

So I'm a college student. I have to go to class. It's boring, sitting in lecture for three hours straight every day. It's just awful. Worse than that, though, is sitting through three hours of lecture in too-tight pants and a shirt that's less than comfortable, worrying about whether or not my hair is okay or if my nose is shiny. Being in class could be compared to being on a stage, and though that's a rather tired metaphor (thanks, Shakespeare) it's a good one, for when I'm conscious of my appearance, my participation in said torturous classes (or at torturous work) is affected.

Let's start from the bottom up. Shoes. They are the base of the outfit, literally. They depend first on the weather, then on the mood, then on the color (if you even get that far.) Nice shoes go with nice things, less-nice with less-nice. Shoes can tell you, instantly, my attitude towards my day. Flats communicate a desire to be cute, casual, and approachable. High Heels mean there's some serious business at hand. Boots - well, it depends on the weather. Gym Shoes also fall into two categories - athletic and fashionable. Athletic could mean two things - one, that the wearer is athletic. Two, the wearer likes to be comfortable. Stylish gym shoes, those less functional than athletic shoes but more serious than flats, are our neutral, the control in this "experiment."

Pants are next, or, if you prefer, skirts (but seriously, we're not in finishing school here; skirts are such a rarity that they stand out when they bust their way out of girls' closets). There's a little less variety here: it's jeans (tight, loose, dark, or light), trousers, or a skirt. The aforementioned skirt, that rare species, implies (for most, at least) an acute attention to appearance when worn. A lady must take care to keep herself covered when it comes to a skirt, and therefore must be more conscious of her entire being.

The top is where you find the widest range of style. Of course, the basic college t-shirt makes its way to the classroom every day, but the sweater and hoodie are beasts often seen as well; their full coverage and ample warmth provide a more relaxed atmosphere, even if it's just in the personal bubble. With the trouser and the skirt often come more fancy tops, which reveal more skin or cost more money; in this sort of economy looking good is expensive, and each motion could potentially ruin a fancy top, making each motion a chance to throw away $40 (or so.) The subtraction of fabric from the tshirt also causes the lady to take care that she not reveal too much of herself.

These many layers to meaning in dress reflect the many different levels of sophistication in

conversation during class. Think about it - you're dressed more professionally, you feel better about yourself, whether it's because your outfit was expensive or you have pride in your ability to put yourself together. It's a matter of confidence; having confidence in just one part of yourself (even if it's just the ability to look good) boosts your overall confidence.

Yes, I am saying that we should all dress up for class. Private schools have got the right idea, requiring children to wear nice neat clothes. A dress code of any kind holds students to a certain standard, even if the family budget doesn't allow for the nicest clothing. Business clothing, though it can be uncomfortable and expensive, standardizes the playing field in the offices of the world, allowing the strengths of character to come forward and be respected rather than the strength of pocketbook. Of course, there are different grades of business clothing (we all know Gap makes nicer stuff than Forever 21), but developing the habit of preparing oneself for anything creates a habit of preparing oneself for any situation (class discussion included.)

It doesn't matter what you do as long as you look good doing it, because if you look good you're gonna do it better.

post script: I can't speak for the men, but surely some of the same principles would apply - the classier the clothes, the better you feel.

photo cred: august sander, that german genius.

an introduction

Hello to the 1,966,514,816 people who use the internet, and a special hello to those 266,224,500 who use teh internetz in North America - you're the ones most likely to be understanding this blog, speaking English and all.

The first thing you need to know is that I love the internet. I've even come to rely on it in my daily life - okay, let's be realistic - I have an iPhone, it's constant interaction with "the network" for me. However, at the same time, I absolutely hate what this constant screen-to-screen interaction has done to us. Having used the internet since 1997, learned HTML in 2001, and started using social networking site in 2003, I'd like to think I have quite enough experience under my belt to call myself a webhead. As such, I have crippling difficulty confronting anyone, and my introverted nature doesn't make things any better. Facebook is simply an enabling tool for non-confrontational behavior, but not just for me - friends and acquaintances have admitted to its detrimental effects on their interpersonal interaction.

Thus: this project.

It's not an exploration of breaking out of my shell and deleting my facebook account and going up to random strangers to talk about things that you might talk to a random stranger about. Nor is this going to be a confessional series of posts whining about how I wish I could talk to boy X or girl Y about my issues with professor Z... Okay, I didn't like my class with professor Z, but that's another story. I think Russian's just not my thing.

What this is is a commitment to developing the way I look at things and people in the public sphere. I know what you're thinking - I should read John Berger's Ways of Seeing. It's on my reading list, so expect a nice lengthy response to that sucker. In any case, personal presence and non-verbal communication have always fascinated me, especially in the light of the recent demise on almost all face-to-face interaction. I couldn't write anything about anything if I didn't talk about how it looked, and I expect a lot of awkward and a lot of short attention spans. This lovely little project offers me an outlet to tell about anonymous interactions I observe, and perhaps even a fashion disaster or two.

Speaking of fashion disasters, my roommate is wearing a snuggie. Time to fix this situation.

quick source citing 'cause I don't really like plagiarism:

http://www.internetworldstats.com/stats.htm for internet stats